Protection from good memories (splitting pt. II)

2021.11.27 21:09 polkadotaardvark Protection from good memories (splitting pt. II)

I recently wrote about my splitting part, Veronica, who I felt was getting bored. Well, I was right. Since I wrote about that I have discovered another splitting part and also witnessed Veronica's immense power within the system.
In that post there were some parts at odds with each other: Veronica's twin part (which I've discovered is named Angelica) who she's protected forever, and a young part, a little girl, who is terrified of Veronica. Last week I could feel Angelica's desire for attention so I went in and checked on her and after validating her she flooded me with a bunch of really terrible memories. She was showing them to the little girl too, to show how much Veronica had protected her from. The little girl understood and they embraced and I felt like things were at peace.
The next day I began splitting. I was shocked and upset by this so checked on the situation and discovered the whole thing had been orchestrated by Veronica to get the little girl to trust her (and thus back off) so she could do her thing. I feel both awed and sickened by this.
Anyone who's split knows that part of it is not being able to access good memories and feelings about a person. If you come out of it you usually can find them again, but sometimes you just lose access to them altogether. I imagine it works more or less like any memory repression where the function is to protect you, except in a splitting brain the good memories are what cause pain (or at least cognitive dissonance) and make it too hard to leave a situation that a part of you (like Veronica) has declared dangerous. Lack of access to these memories and feelings causes an overwhelming sense of unsafety because you suddenly only have the bad memories and feelings. It feels like they are the only thing that has ever been true and you are just finally seeing it. It is so so horrible.
So when I was checking in on parts last night, I was dismayed but not surprised to discover a memory incinerating part. A huge gorilla made of fire who burns positive memories I have of people and scares the other parts into not creating them in the first place because they will ultimately be forced to watch their destruction. I don't know how many parts blended with me at that point, but there were a lot of them and they were extremely upset. It really feels like the two splitting parts have had a prolonged and completely unchecked reign of terror.
I don't believe these memories are gone. I think the Incinerator is putting on a dramatic show and is obviously a protector. I've spent a lot of time being worried about finding out what bad memories are hiding in there, but I think I am actually more scared to find out what the good ones are because I fear they will completely rewrite my life narrative in a way that could turn me upside down. I'll do it slowly with a therapist, but wanted to write about it as I explore this deep and primitive protective mechanism. I've always struggled so much with splitting and object constancy and it would make such a huge difference if I could work through and past them with IFS.
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Sin come to strive ASAP
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2021.11.27 21:09 Eastern-Ad-3387 Thank you

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2021.11.27 21:09 Solnx [USA-TX][H] Nvidia 3090 FE, EVGA 3090 FTW3 B-Stock, EVGA 3080 XC3 LHR, EVGA 3070 XC3 LHR, PS5 Disk edition, Nintendo Switch White Oled, Cash[W] 30 Series FHR Cards, Cheap LGA1151 CPU, Local Cash

Trading for 30 Series FHR cards, not interested in any variety of 3070 TI or 3080 TI including FE, heavy preference towards local trades but will consider non-local.
Looking for the cheapest LGA1151 CPU I can find. Preferably with integrated gpu, because GPUs be hard to come by. Looking for <$100.
Zip code for pickup is 77380. For the sake of time, please just PM me what you have, what you are looking for, and how much cash you want or will include.
timestamp

Item Description/Condition Preferred Trade
Nvidia 3090 Founder Edition Brand New in Box 3080 FE + MSRP difference
EVGA 3090 FTW3 B-Stock 24G-P5-3987-RX, Brand New in Box 3080 FHR + Cash
EVGA 3080 XC3 Ultra 10G-P5-3885-KL, Brand New in Box 3070/3060 TI FE + Cash or 3080 FHR, I add cash.
3070 XC3 08G-P5-3755-KH, Brand New in Box Anything FHR + cash or I add cash depending.
PS5 Disk Edition Brand New in Box Anything FHR, I add cash.
Nintendo Switch Oled White Brand New in Box Anything FHR, I add cash or $400 cash local.
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